marmelade.

 blue jeans,yellow sweater

exhaustion

She sighed, as if in realization that this was life's inexorable course. Nothing said, no vain promises whispered in wishful fits of dreaming would change the fact that this was all she had to look forward to in this life.
A struggle, a minimum wage job that relied not on her creative abilities, or her schooling; but on the sheer strength of her willpower and the sturdy relaibility of her body.
She had told herself time and time again that this was only temporay, but the bitter truth is that no one will hire you if you are already employed. Its not fair to the others in this life.
So each and every thankless day, when the alarm went off at four forty am. She pulled herself out of her husband's sleeping embrace to prepare for another day where colors where muted with greys and overexposed by floruesant lighting. Yes, she sighed, this is what I have come to expect. Forget the trips to the shore, I am too busy trying to make enough to make ends meet. Forget exploring the vinyards and art musuems of european countrys. I can barely spring for and eight dollar bottle of wine. This is what I am, I girl, or am I a woman? who tries her best to rely on His grace, but in her human failings finds that she is wishing for a higher calling. Patiance is best left to those who have not had a taste of what could be.
Or is it. Because in all my vain and desperate longings, it is almost a jewel in a place where the height of sophistication is left to those who trash talk the gay community the best, who has the biggest phallus and who has the most tricked out car, which is no one. They all drive shit cars that were mass produced on an assembly line much like the one where thier brains were probably also manufactured. Basic model, nothing fancey. Make me blue collar?
Never.

Tomorrow: French onion soup. Pictures and recipe to follow.

too tired

i am too tired to write tonight...
worked all day, made dinner that took two hours to create. finally ate. entertained three little sisters while my hubbie and dad hammered on metal stuff in the basement... i declare it bedtime.

Nostalgia

This is a picture of my lovely ladies selecting our bundles of gerbers from a bin of water meant to keep them fresh. Since this wonderful day, we have all gone our seperate ways, I of course got married. I had a school to go back to, a job, buying, cleaning and moving into my house; and of course being married.
Alissa, my beatiful sister is in her senior year, graduating in June, and is currently enjoying the fleeting moments that being a carefree teenager entails.
Emily, my dear friend from community college is away at school studying art and such, at times i am so jealous that she is in school right now and I am not.
And of course, Hannah, the graceful beauty that brings to mind Audrey Hepburn. She has taken a leave from the U.S. and gone abroad. She has split the school year between England and South Africa. Needless to say, we all miss her dreadfully and are counting the days untill we have her safely home.
With all of my friends gone their seperate ways, I am reminded of how lucky I am to have them. The absence has made me long for this summer, when we will all be home and able to gather together, a tea party, dinner parties, cookouts, just hanging out. I truly cannot wait for the warmth of summer and my friend's company...

wintry blues

My furnace is broken, and sad. So my house is subsequently freezing cold. I am home alone today, which usually would inspire me to scurry around cleaning, baking, cooking, painting, being creative and the like. But today I am just lonely. I miss my friends, I miss my sisters. I miss warmth. I miss not worrying about money. I want to be warmed in the lovelyness of another persons company.

A change

It has come time in my winter routine to make a change in how I do things. Usually my days and weeks follow the same sort of pattern that is efficiant and yet discouraging.
Mornings with the exception of saterday sunday and monday. I am awake before the sun has even poked her head out from under the covers, and I scurry around for aproxamatly twenty minutes getting ready for a ten hour day at work. I eat half a bagel and drink my coffee on my half hour drive in.
To change this morning routine, instead of making my drip coffee, I am going to make myself a triple shot cappicino to lovingly sip as I drive in.
My workday usually goes like this, work 6.30 am till 8.15 am then break and eat yogurt with homemade granola. another break at 10.05 then a half hour lunch at nooners. I get a fifteen minute break at 2.30pm then work work work untill 4.30-5.pm.
Okay, nothing about this can really be changed, except for the fact that my ipod"s playlist has gotten a little old, so I have decided to refresh it with lots of thought provoking podcasts that range from entertaining to educational, to be honest most of them are from NPR. Currently on my ipod are episodes of This American Life, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Garison Keillor's musical voice reading poetry, and The Moth to name a few.
In the evening, if I don't have a coffee date or errand to run its a half an hour drive home which I usually spend on the phone(shame on me) talking to my Mum or a sibling or my hubbie, because I am eceptionally bored when I drive that half hour home. I think that I actually pay more atention when I talk on the phone than not as I am paying closer atention to my surroundings( to avoid coppers)... plus isn't it a restiction on my constitutional right to free speach???
At home I assess whether or not I want to start dinner or take a hot shower, the shower usually wins. After all of that I make dinner, check Facebook, blogs and watch something mind rotting on hulu, the pass out on the couch and do nothing productive untill I go to bed at 9 o clock.
My evening routine needs to change, but I am so tired when I get home that all I want to do is shower then collapse into a pile of pillows and snooze.  So, as my hubbie gets home before I do, he is now instructed to make me coffee so that I will have a boost of lifegiving caffiene to help me stay productive untill at least ten thirty. Well, thats what I am hoping for at least. Mostly, I just want a change. I am bored to tears during the day, and in the evning I am too tired to do anything fun. Any thoughts about what I could change to make my day better?

A photo of Niagara Falls from my honeymoon. It was fun being carefree, if only for a week. Every meal costing more than $30, visiting winerys at Niagara on the Lake, tasting icewine, going to a butterfly conservatory, visiting the botanical gardens. Being a tourist, sipping bubble tea with my new husband, wandering around casino floors really not seeing the point in all of it. It was a good time.