Nightmares for monthes now...

hohum

So lately my life has seemed life it is on fast forward. I get up in the morning at 4:30 and get ready for work and i am there at 5:20... I work ten hours then punch out at 4pm and head home, or do shopping, or meet friends then head home, make dinner, maybe watch a show on hulu, get ready for the next day. go to sleep and do it all over again..... my creativity has hit nil. my personailty is being leached from my soul. I am being atenithized towartds lifes beauty. My daily thrills include tuning out my idiot coworkers racist, sexual, biased, ignorance. Their idea of something witty includes a punchline that centers around anal sex. i kid you not. My place of employment really just ignores this, their claim is that unless somebody reports it, they really can do nothing about it. So, I endure it, mainly because they dare not to slant it my way because I have reported someone before, and secondly because I really dont like being the snitch bitch.
So I decided that a change was in order, cutting back my hours(or rather losing my overtime), training to do something equally soul numbing, but different and new nonetheless, at work. Three days off, four days on. Setting aside time to do work on my illustration freelance job.
So yes, this is what my life has become, a total, grownup, worring about making ends meet time sucker. I didnt know that when you decide to become an adult, with all of it responibilties you trade things. Freedom for time. thats the way it is though. I took a semester off to do things and now i am saddled with the realization that, oh crap, i need to work to keep my house warm, to keep the lights on, to keep food in my fridge. but thats life i guess, it is pretty cool to be on my own though. I really do like it. My parents were pretty strict and I didnt reallly do that much when I was younger, I never really went anywhere because, well, I was homeschooled, and most all activities that I was involved in were limited to Awanas, homeschool stuff, and umm church. So yeah, I never really got to go spend afternoons perusing books at Barnes and Nobles. Staying out late with friends, I am twenty and I will admit that I have never been to a party. no emily, i dont think your birthday party counted cause i had to go to work the next day reallllly early and i had to drive home, so i couldnt really drink, like, anything... I am proud to say that I have never done drugs(why would I, i have a hard enopugh time in school as it is, why would I want to screw that up?) I have never gotten drunk, like never, the closest i have is drinking two glasses of red wine and feeling it a little and waking up the next day with a buzzy dry headache... if that doeant quailfy me as a goody two shoes, i dont know what does. I suppose I was born with a level head, but thats not really true either, because I take too many risks and I have made some stupid choices. I dont know what my deal is, I am just who I am, my only difference is that I am saved by Grace and I serve a greater purpose, other than that, I dont think I am anything special, I am jsut a girl that works all the time and worries about making ends meet and tries to express herself through artistic endevours...

Tonight I made my first ever creme brulee...

It’s not “dressing up,” it’s simply a way of life.

Job Interview

I have a job interview at JC Penneys at 5.30pm tomorrow and a meeting with charles and tom at 7pm.... crap

Learning

I am learning to submit to God's will for my life.
I actually have peace and joy in my life... not the kind that makes me jump up and down and smile like a crazy all of the time... but a small, satisfying, settled, unfazed, lovefilled, calming, happy, beautiful existance within my soul.

Umbrellas

This is the wallpaper currently occupying my computer.. its so lovely and cheerful..

Changes in the wind

Sooo, i will post a picture.. but I bought new glasses..kate spade frames(my vision has gotton considerably worse)... and i dyed my hair brunette... and I am going to DC.. and im not sure if I am going to want to come back..
 God has opened my eyes to the possibilties before me, and has shown me that he will always take care of me.   and                                     knows whats best .... I am excited about the future...

Dieting sucks

So I am going to be completly honest and tell you that I am about 5'8" and I currently wiegh 158lb. I want to wiegh 145lbish... So I have started a new regiman of yoga(which I always forget to do) and started a diet of veggies and yogurt, and that is about it.. I eat some bread(bagels), but I try to keep my portions small and heathly.So yeah, I have lost seven pounds in a week, but I know that it is all water weight(due to the fact that I drank like 200oz of water(litterally) the day before I started dieting. I have problems with my body, when I was younger, I gained a lot of wieght(puberty) and never lost it, then I went through some tough times, someone close to me died and I came to realize what really happned to me when I was younger(I got screwed up by some guy, not a story for now), and I was quickly losing control over my situatiuon, I was homeschooled so I was a recluse and not really allowed to go anywhere nonchurch or family related so I took up some self destructive habits that allowed me to regain some control over my body. I became a cutter and a bulimic. Although I still have a problem sometimes with bulimia, cutting has long been stuffed into a closet and the door on that habit has been locked and not reopened for a long time now.

But back to my diet, I have problems knowing what is heathly and what is not.

The reason I was a bulimic rather than anorexic, is because, bulimics dont ever really feel hungry. You eat, then puke, but after, you still feel full and there is no gnawing hunger.

Right now, I am hungry all of the time, no, starving is more like it. But is it hunger or overproduction of stomach acid.. becasue (i have acid reflux..thanks bulimia) of how my eating habits have changed.??.. I dont know..

The hours of life

This is how I would love to spend a day, relaxing with a cups of tea and scones while contemplating the numerous values and color variations of watercolors as I make long charts of the endless possibilities...

But sadly, my daily hours are 5.30am to 4pm... this job, it is eating the hours of my life away

March for life

Next week, thursday I will depart New York and trek across state lines in a vain attempt to make a bloated goverment listen to desperate plea. I will be attending and participating in the 2010 March for Life in Washington DC. It is a vain attempt because the goverment doesnt really care what I have to say about anything, the only thing that would make them listen to a young adult such as myself would be if I had gads of cash to shower on campains and expesive trips and perks, wait.. a bribe? Sounds like it.. it doesnt matter anyways because theses rich, fat old men and women sitting high and mighty writing and debating legistaltion care little for the miracle of flesh knitting itself together within the womb. If someone doesnt want to kwwp the child, then let them get an abortion.







Inject the forming child with saline then stick a vacuum hose up the mothers vag and suck it out. Pickle the babies with saltwater then pull them apart into gooey bloody peices of lifeless flesh and dump them down the garbage disposal. Teenage moms who have thier babies at parties then leave them in the bathroom are more humane then these self rightious legistaltors who sit on high and govern. I wish that for everyone that is allowing this travesty to continue daily that they would have to endure the pain of being pulled into pieces by a shopvac shoved between thier mothers legs.






I really hope this post doesnt put on some no fly list or something. Free Speach I cry.. free speach

Today, ventured out into the frigid weather, like seriously, antarctica had warmer weather today, 40 degrees rather than bingolands nine degrees, 9 DEGREES!! I get seasonal affective disorder very quite badly in january, tanning is out bevcause i do no want to be orange or pink, as i am rather fair skinned(read albino redhead) tanning occurs when my freckles unite as one. So i want with the only other available option.. i went shopping. not that is a cure mind you, it is what i went shopping for. Greenery!!

I visited our local TJ MAXX, Lowes and AC Moore for a vairaty of discount vases, containers and vessels to contain plants purchased from Lowes greenery department. Chatting up the sales assciate in plants has often proved to be helpful, as they are often neglected and regulated to a tiny corner of the store. Not only did I get expert advice as how to care for my plant, she proceeded to mark down half of the plants in my cart and helped my find all sorts of AWESOME deals in plant paraphanlia...

So, hopefully January doesnt kick my ass this year, but who really knows...

Sigh

applying

UGGggg appling for jobs is the worst form of torture... I went to the local mall to apply, some stores, from the way that the manager treated you, you knew it wasnt even worth it....
so yeah, hopefully i can get a part time job selling people things they probably really dont need, but convince them that really, they cant live without it. yay i am about to set out on an cynical path that can really only lead to bad things. at lleast i will have my cheery disposittion to keep me company on this excurstion.. oh wait. yeah, i left that back at home, oh well, i guess its just me and my snappy comebacks(that i think of five minutes after the witty burn has been and left...) *sigh*

So, its a new year and time for those nasty resolutions to be made. mind you, i love making lists of things, especially things that need to be done, but somehow, resolutions always depress me. Why? i don't really know, maybe because everyone knows that no one ever keeps them. BUT this year, this year. it will be different.

• I will keep up a regimen of activity (some sort, any sort of physical, mental and spiritual activity).



• I will read my bible



• I will trust God with all of everything (when i say heart, i am not giving him my life, just my heart, so i feel guilt, but i don't really ever do anything about it).



• I will restart College, and go on to earn my bachelors degree.



• Art and God will be the central axis's of this life.



• I will try all new things... (job, routine, activitys, everything.)